why did i get married?

My fellow graduate students in higher education and counseling affectionately calls it “The Peter Pan Syndrome.” Dr. Jeffrey Jansen Arnett, psychology professor at Clark University in Worcester, MA and recent columnist in The New York Times refers to it as “Emerging Adulthood.” It is a presently-occuring phenomenon among 20-somethings these days. According to Arnett, society is changing and moving in such radical ways that emerging adults (aged anywhere between 20 and 34-ish) are taking longer and longer to grow up. To quote:

It’s happening all over, in all sorts of families, not just young people moving back home but also young people taking longer to reach adulthood overall. It’s a development that predates the current economic doldrums, and no one knows yet what the impact will be — on the prospects of the young men and women; on the parents on whom so many of them depend; on society, built on the expectation of an orderly progression in which kids finish school, grow up, start careers, make a family and eventually retire to live on pensions supported by the next crop of kids who finish school, grow up, start careers, make a family and on and on. The traditional cycle seems to have gone off course, as young people remain un tethered to romantic partners or to permanent homes, going back to school for lack of better options, traveling, avoiding commitments, competing ferociously for unpaid internships or temporary (and often grueling) Teach for America jobs, forestalling the beginning of adult life.

I highly recommend to every 20 or 30-something who stumbles upon my humble little blog to read the article in full; it’s very educational. According to the article, two-thirds of 20-somethings spend at least some time living with a romantic partner without being married, and the median age for marriage is progressing closer and closer to 30 for both men and women. In addition, the five milestones which sociologists have repeatedly defined as the “transition to adulthood” — (1) completing school, (2) leaving home, (3) becoming financially independent, (4) marrying, and (5) having a child — are no longer qualifying milestones that accurately define an adult. Granted, there are an abundance of reasons why these five milestones no longer serve as an authentic measure of adulthood. For example, there is less of a rush to marry because our society tolerates premarital sex; it is much easier for a young woman to prioritize her career options and delay motherhood, not to mention the plethora of contraception and assisted reproductive technology should she wish to stall her pregnancies; as well as a general avoidance of commitment in both men and women.

It is strange for me to read an article like this and not look inward. Before I reached my twenty-third year, I had already crossed out four of those milestones. When I was twenty, I would never have imagined myself reaching the “threshold of adulthood” at such an early age (don’t get me wrong, I hardly feel like an adult… most of the time). I would have laughed if you told me that I’d meet my future husband in a few months and begin dating him by the end of the year, and I would have peed my pants if you told me that he would propose a few days after graduation.

My friends were extremely excited and supportive when they learned that I was engaged. Even my parents were thrilled. But there were those who looked at me in disbelief and shock — some were even downright negative. I heard responses such as, “why would you even want to get married now?” or, “you are so young — you haven’t even grown up yet!” or yet, “hah — just you wait. I’ve been down that road once and I got out of it when I finally came to my senses.”

So, the question stands: why did I get married? Before Ryan came into the picture, I was perfectly content as a single person. In fact, I wanted to delay marriage for as long as possible. I planned on applying to law school and getting a degree in International Law. I wanted to work overseas to fight child trafficking in Southeast Asia. I wanted to live on my own and know that I alone could make a name and place for myself in the world… no man could possibly be worth my time. I wanted to travel, to see places, to be financially secure and feel empowered. I had already experienced my share of romantic experiences — and the most recent one had failed. What was in the commitment of marriage for me, an intelligent, capable, and mobile young woman who wanted to take on the world?

I did not get married to cross out a milestone in my life. I did not marry for love, though Ryan and I love each other deeply. I did not marry for financial security, though I confess — his income is exponentially greater than what I could ever make. I did not marry because I badly wanted to become a mother. I did not get married to be happy. I did not get married to fix our relational issues. And no, I did not marry Ryan because I wanted cute hybrid White-Asian babies.

I got married because marriage is crazy. The concept of marriage is insane. The joining of two utterly different souls. The piecing together of a puzzle that only reflects an imperceptible fragment of paradise. The idea that two humans can live together for 50+ years without killing each other in the process is crazy. You and I both know how ugly we are at our worst… the monsters that emerge from the abyss of our souls when someone even just rubs us the wrong way. Yes — marriage is crazy.

But what is crazier than marriage as we know it is the author of marriage and the reasons for which marriage was made. In marriage, you level with your spouse. You hold up a mirror to their face while they hold one to yours. You cannot escape your flaws, your iniquities, the consequence of your mistakes. In marriage, you are held accountable for every spoken word that hurts; you are held accountable for the deeds that distance you from one another; you are held accountable to challenge and to forgive. But most of all, in marriage, you are held accountable to love. Not just to love, but to love like crazy… to love radically, to love hilariously, and to love insanely.

I’m not talking about a love that relies on checks and balances, or you-scratch-my-back-I’ll-scratch-yours. This is not the kind of love that has an agenda for reciprocated affection or physical return; it is not the kind of love that is consummated in passion and quenched by pleasure. It is a love that is refined by fire, chiseled by hammers, long-suffering, selfless, and humble. It is the kind of love that is meant to resemble the true Love that conquers all — the Omnia Vincit Amor, of all loves in the universe. Crazy, intoxicating, incandescent love beyond our senses. God’s love.

God alone enables me to live this marriage right. I cannot make it to even tomorrow without hurting or failing Ryan in some way… it’s wired into my blood, humanity’s destructive tendencies and all of sin’s culprits in the world. But because God loves me like crazy and enables my feet to go to the heights, I am able to love like crazy and make sense of how I, a next-to-nothing twenty-three year old, can live this marriage right.

I don’t have the Peter Pan’s syndrome. I am not an emerging adult. I want my life to be a life full of crazy love — always pushing me to be as authentic and genuine with my fellow immortals on earth as possible. You can continue to tell me that I’m crazy for letting myself be “institutionalized,” for allowing a patriarchal society to “ruin my life.” You can continue to call me crazy for getting married at such a young age. In my opinion, it’s better to be loved like crazy by a God who is crazy about me than to live my youthful years as one of the Lost Boys (or Girls, in my case).

Marriage is not a solution. It is just one of the ways in which I have decided to live my life with crazy love. I hope you find your own desire for crazy love as well.