getting back on my feet.

Typically, when we pass certain marks of adulthood or change in our lives, we celebrate those events – confirmations, sweet sixteens, graduations, marriages, babies, Ph.D’s – with merriment and the universal human festivities with much food and drink. Gifts are given, hugs are exchanged, and letters are written so that the graduate or newlywed has a sense of closure to the chapter in their life that has just ended. Yesterday, I finished my last day at the University of Delaware. R. took me out to dinner for a quiet celebration. Next weekend, the entire community of UD will gather together to honor those who will receive their diplomas with the usual exuberance expected by both faculty and students each year. Some undergraduates will embark on summer-long adventures to a foreign country, and some will return home to spend lost time with family. Graduate students will say farewell to their cohort of two or more years and either begin fresh careers or start schooling anew elsewhere. It is obvious why so many mixed emotions run high around graduation… commencement is only one small way in which society attempts to help graduates adjust to this change in their lives.

I can’t say that I currently feel any true exuberance about the fact that I now have my master’s degree. What I would like to be feeling at this moment seems to be eclipsed by the immense relief I have about not ever needing to go into work again, as well as a general feeling of exhaustion. In retrospect, I was a little naive about the way higher education works, and I paid for my ignorance in several ways. When I was a junior in college, my career aspirations were high. Life happened, and by that I mean I met my husband and my plans eventually changed. When I began my graduate program, I was 99% sure that I wanted to pursue a Ph.D. upon finishing the program. My first year of graduate school breezed on by; I secured the assistantship of my dreams, I received plenty of affirmation and encouragement from faculty to begin publishing my research in order to work my way into a potential Ph.D. program, I found the academic material easy and I managed to plan a wedding and buy my first house with R. while maintaining a near 4.0 GPA throughout the entire year. But I was not prepared for the events that were to come during my second year of graduate school. Furthermore, I was not at all expecting my second year of graduate school to be one of the most difficult years of my life.

Frankly, I do not know where to begin recounting this past year of graduate school. There are portions of my year that I am still processing to this day; I have written about 20 drafts, all unfinished, all unpublished, about my experiences these past several months. I still don’t know if any of them will be finished. All I know right now is that my last year of graduate school has left me feeling as though I have been run over by a ruthless mack truck driver… and somewhere in between all of that, I still feel anger, guilt, hopelessness, bitterness, apathy, prejudice, and a blanket lack of interest in others.

It’s ironic that I now have a master’s degree in therapy – but the way in which I obtained it has left me in need of my own therapeutic release. Writing has always been therapeutic for me, as have many other hobbies of mine. I guess I’ll be a much more frequent blogger now, and maybe somewhere in all of the posts I write I can begin to make sense of the events that have happened in the past 12 or so months. With that said, I will begin my first full day of emancipation from graduate school by creating a list of things I would like to accomplish as part of my own therapy this summer.

• Oil paint. The wooden easel and numerous tubes of oil paint my in-laws got me for my college graduation two years ago have been collecting dust. There’s nothing like creating a palette that soothes my mind.
• Literature. I’ve read nothing but clinical stuff and theory for the past 6 years of my life, and I’ve forgotten how much I love Emily Dickinson and Toni Morrison. It’s time to hit the public library.
• Mama time. Ever since R. whisked me away last June, I’ve seen less of the most important woman in my life and spent less one-on-one time with her. I need more of my Mama in my life.
• Songwriting. I wrote songs back in college and actually had the chance to perform them several times. My friend Tyler encourages me to keep writing songs every time he’s in town from touring and I haven’t ever forgotten his persevering inspiration to me.
• Short storys. I actually created a second blog (not yet disclosed to the public) for the sole purpose of writing short works of fiction. Hans Christian Andersen and Ernest Hemingway motivate me incredibly.
• Comic novella. Since I was little, I enjoyed imagining and drawing casts and casts of characters for my own novel. My dreams actually came true in 5th grade, when my friend Connie and I created this huge anthology of adopted twin girls (oddly also Asian and 10 years old) whose goal in life was to save all the puppies in the world and prevent their older sister Bethany and their mother from dating the wrong men. I’d love to write/draw one someday.
• Mini chef. In graduate school, cooking became not only a necessity (to keep R.’s tummy happy, of course) but also my therapy. There was nothing more satisfying than wielding my Wusthof to hack the resistance out of any slab of meat or vegetable on my cutting board after a frustrating day. R. is convinced that the more terribly my day went, the more delicious the meal (strange correlation, no doubt). That aside, I registered for some neat cooking gear for my wedding that I have yet to use, like my tagine (bought especially for cooking Middle Eastern cuisine). So far on my summer menu list: cooking and handling live lobster, crown roast, and endeavoring rabbit, if I dare to be so bold.
• Yoga. My good friend Em convinced me to try a few of these classes with her after my wedding to help me de-stress. I was skeptical at first but found that not only did the stretches really release the tension I tend to carry in my upper back, but that it was something I could do decently well. Good timing for bathing suit season!
• Clean. It sounds odd, but R. is the cleaner one in this marriage. Now that I don’t have the pressure of writing paper X or paper Y, I guess I can take time to dust the curtains… and dust the furniture… dust in general… okay, vacuum, sweep, wash, rinse, maybe everything…
• Talk to my plants. Right now, our raised garden beds are our “babies” what with the ample amount of spinach, strawberries, broccoli, and green peppers that are sprouting all over the place right now. A very wise friend once said to me that plants grow better when you talk to them, so I think I might just try that a bit this summer. Actually, what I think she meant was to just spend more time taking care of them, like weeding them and oh, I don’t know, watering them here and there.
• Girlies. There are a few women in my life whom I’ve neglected to spend time with due to graduate school (and the general exhaustion that comes with it… gosh, I make it sound like I’m pregnant… which I’m not…) and I’d really just love to see them again.
• Memorize. Scriptures say to write the Word of God on our hearts and on our minds. The apostle Paul tells us to wear the Word on our necks like a necklace to always remind us of our place in this world. I have been reminded over and over again of the lack of Truth in my life… and would greatly benefit from remembering God’s Word daily.
• Musicalize. I can’t remember the last time I sat down and learned a piece. This is very sad for me to type, as I have not been without a “piece” since I was 3.
• Teacher. I plan on building my home studio this summer. R. is helping me with creating some solid business cards and a legit website to help spread the word.
• Volunteer. No matter where I go, my heart will always be for women’s issues. There are many women’s shelters and organizations for women in DE that I would love to become involved with.
• Pray. That’s that. Just… pray.

So that’s it for now… I know it’s quite an expansive list (and mind you, it is always growing), but knowing myself and the behaviors I revert to when I feel defeated or overwhelmed by life, I am hopeful to see where I will be by the end of the summer. Feel free to check back now and then to hear what’s been going on. Here’s to freedom!