for my spectacular friends.

There are too many thoughts swirling around in my head for me to know where to start!

Several of you orchestrated the entire event seamlessly, despite the many rain checks and last-minute cancellations. You didn’t let the obscurities of email and Facebook stand in the way of delivering a successful surprise. Somehow you managed to bring many of those we know and love to the same place at the same time.
Still others of you drove hours that night in order to come. And when I gave you an incredulous look, you simply smiled and said that we were worth it.
A few of you were new friends that we’ve known for only a few weeks… your appearance made it all the more special for us…
And a few of you were friends we haven’t seen in months… just the addition of you there made it all the more memorable and meaningful to us.

This is a big thank-you to all of you that played a part in Extravagant Engagement Surprise on Sunday night… words do not adequately express how much Ryan and I felt loved by everyone. Thank you for the meatballs, the hummus, the yummy cake and homemade brownies; the hundreds of hugs and well-wishes of congratulations, the crazy bingo (I didn’t find out about the Star Trek obsession until AFTER we started dating), the conversational bits that were long overdue, and the insurmountable love you gave in the form of sacrificed time and resources… really, we are very, very humbled!

We are so very blessed to have brothers and sisters like you to walk with us – it is the impact from people such as yourselves that has built both Ryan and me up as individuals. We hope we can live up to this standard of friendship for you as well!

All in all, Sunday night will be unforgettable. Thanks for everything – we love you all!

Grace & Ryan

P.S. – We want those pictures of us being surprised… they’d make a great addition to the Crazy Incredibly Embarrassing Photo Slideshow of Grace and Ryan for our wedding…

musings.

I’m sitting in my luggage-strewn bedroom at home with a comforting cup of jasmine tea on my desk.  The thunderstorm outside hammers raindrops on the roof over my head.  When I look out the window, I see a muggy green jungle rather than the usual suburban scenery I am accustomed to.  My surrounding environment sets the mood for imagination and introspection… suddenly, I am catapulted into a tide of flashbacks.  But rather than impart to you fond memories, I decided to engineer a working list of lessons learned during my four years in college.  Here goes!

1. Listen to your mama.  She’s chock full of wisdom that you don’t even know about.  Mine’s always right, at least.

2. If you don’t have a mother, defer to the older ones whom you respect and trust.  Chances are, they see things that you don’t.

3. Never underestimate the little people.  The ones who were always picked last for gym class, bullied by queen bees, taken advantage of because they are weak, the ones who don’t look particularly special or extraordinary.  They are the ones who will inherit the earth.

4. Money can motivate you towards your way to success but it cannot provide you with content.  An education or career attained by sheer desire for an income is transient in comparison to a life ambition attained by love or passion.

5. The people we dislike the most are the ones we have the most in common with.

6. Those who agonize over their inadequacies never fully understand the depth of grace and the paramount freedom we are meant to embrace.

7. There are issues in our world that command a black-or-white answer and there are dilemmas for which our answers will remain forever gray, but there is always one truth for every problem in this world… And it is a matter of kings to search out that truth.

8. It is possible for a woman to be as fierce as a lioness in her will but as tender as a lamb in her heart.  Not all feminists want to be in charge of the world, you know.

9. To resolve to never love another is to resolve to never be loved.  The one who resolves never to love should be the one we pity the most.

10. There are noble men in this world who believe that beautiful things do not always require a beautiful appearance; that lovehandles and skin disorders and imperfect hair are trivial.  Such men admire women for their strength, intelligence, courage, and humor.

11. It is better to judge yourself before you accuse someone else of doing wrong.  Chances are, it is you who needs to change, not the other person.

12. Miracles. Really. Do. Happen.

13. Never value the gift more than you value the Giver.  Nothing on this earth belongs to us.

14. Every “hello,” every lateness to class, every lunch conversation, every argument, every misunderstanding, every assignment, every spontaneous volleyball game, every rainstorm without an umbrella, every accident or urge to complain is yet another opportunity to demonstrate the wonderful human ability to love, forgive, and be thankful for what you have.

15. It’s always a process… just make sure you’re progressing forward, not backwards.

Well it stopped raining and my introspective mood has been killed.  More or less distracted, I should probably say.  Perhaps I will continue this later.

pinning the problem.

War is not the problem.

Murder is not the problem.

Nuclear weapons are not the problem.

Economy is not the problem.

Exploitation is not the problem.

Money is not the problem.

Communism is not the problem.

Mass starvation is not the problem.

AIDS Pandemic is not the problem.

Human trafficking is not the problem.

Prostitution is not the problem.

Teenage pregnancy is not the problem.

Masturbation is not the problem.

Premarital sex is not the problem.

Abortion is not the problem.

Single-parent headed homes are not the problem.

Unfaithful spouses are not the problem.

Divorce is not the problem.

Extra-marital affairs are not the problem.

Marijuana is not the problem.

Alcohol is not the problem.

Racism is not the problem.

Chauvinism is not the problem.

Feminism is not the problem. (Nor the solution, mind you).

Obama is not the problem.

Neither is Kim Jong Il.

Homosexuality is not the problem.

Poverty is not the problem.

The problem is this.

The problem is our lust, which leads to adultery.

The problem is our anger, which leads to hatred.

The problem is our pride, which leads to manipulation,

contempt, defensiveness, bitterness, ability to hurt others.

The problem is our selfishness, which leads to thievery,

avarice, pursuit of misplaced desires, mentalities of ’self’ as first.

The problem is this.

It is our capability to produce war for the wrong reasons.

Our capability to create nuclear weapons for the wrong reasons.

Our capability to use money selfishly, maniputively, foolishly.

The problem is our inclination to hoard and not give,

defend and be invincible, gain power but not humility;

seek instant gratification of pleasure, give in during the heat of the moment–

instead of waiting in expectation for something better and much more

fulfilling.

The problem is our unquenchable need to feel significant, competent, adequate, affirmed–

our capability to extort and to scheme, not to think about our brothers and sisters in need.

The problem is our tendency to make assumptions about one another before we even know their names

we like to feel important and mighty, always right, always in control.

The problem is this:

that we look to other men and women to satisfy our loneliness, our need for emotional and sexual fulfillment;

that we spend our lives building fake empires that burn down at the end of the day because they are but an

ARTIFICE

The problem is this:

that we are offered one, single, solo, amazing; breathtaking; indescribable; incomparable life…

and we don’t give credit where credit is due,

we forget to thank the Giver for the Gift,

and we screw it all up–

The problem is us

The problem is us

The problem

is

us.

adequate and accepted.

I’m a pusher.  If it’s not good enough, I’ll push you to make it better.  I’m a prover.  If you’re not convinced, I’ll prove it to you that it is good enough.  Eager to please, eager to jump.  Driven to excellence, minimal failure rate, A-pluses.  I’m one of those girls who leave little room to cry; I”ll repair it myself.  My boyfriend laughs when he tells me that I’m an overachiever; I don’t deny it.  It’s in my blood.

But then I get tired.  Tired of doing 110%, tired of running ahead so much that I’m running alone.  Enough is never enough, best is never the best… and then I crash: why isn’t everyone else trying as hard?  They’re just lazy, they’re just apathetic – they don’t care, because they’re not trying as hard.  Look how hard I’m trying, and I’m still not getting anywhere near where I want to be.  I don’t have what it takes to get there; therefore, I’ve messed it up.  I’ve just given you another reason why I’m not. worth. it.

Sound familiar?

And then I start getting mean.  I avoid the people who love me the most – they must be nuts for wanting to hang out with me (read: FAILURE).  I snap at the people who care about me the most – they don’t know how much I’ve (read: SCREW-UP) botched it up again.  I get angry with them, because I haven’t given them a reason to be so nice to me.  They don’t see that I’m trying to save them, relieve them, of a massive load of junk (read: ME) – the same junk that I try so hard to erase every day by proving that I am good enough.

But it’s not so much the people who love me that I have a problem with; it’s not so much their kindness that I have a problem with.  It’s the whole entire concept of grace that I have a problem with – God’s grace – the kind that is poured out and exploded all over me regardless of how much I think I don’t deserve it.  It’s the kind of grace that I can’t justify on my own terms: not with an A-plus, not with a scholarship; not with someone else’s opinion, and not with a perfect body.  This kind of grace is just there.  Always.  Forever.  Unlimited.

If life handed you lemons, I got a couple that were just rotten.  The message of my childhood seemed to be “you-are-never-going-to-be-good-enough.”  My grades were never enough.  My personality was never enough.  My talents were never enough.  There were no excuses for weakness or flaws.  And while every other kid on the block played four-square or dodgeball, I played the game of catch-up: catching up to be the kind of girl that would make my father proud, because his happiness and satisfaction in me was near-unattainable.  And that chase, that wretched chase of proving my worth to him and to others and to God – has left me disenchanted.

And that is why the cross of Jesus Christ is absolutely beautiful.  The cross of Jesus Christ says, “When you are weak, then I am strong.”  The cross of Jesus Christ says, “When you deserved to be punished, I died for you.”  The cross of Jesus Christ says, “I am your adequacy.  I am your justification.”  The cross of Jesus Christ says, “I remove every stain and blemish from your body onto mine; you belong to God now.”  Reclaimed.  Renamed.  Restored.  Repaired.  Reworked.  Remade.  Renewed.  Refreshed.  Replenished.  Relieved.  Rebuilt.  Refurbished.  Revamped.  Resurrected.  Repainted.  Redeemed.

So much for rotten lemons.  I guess you’ll always have a bit of awful-aftertaste in your mouth, but it’s nothing that Christ’s love can’t beat.  I’m still a pusher.  I’m still an overachiever.  I’m still eager to jump.  And I still have an issue with letting others do the repairing.  It’s hard to understand why my Christian friends live with all of my junk.  They tell me that they don’t live with my junk – they are just loving me with my junk.  Cute, huh?

In Christ, I am adequate and accepted.  When you leave no room for failure, you are committing the biggest failure.  It’s God’s job to be strong amidst those failures.  I wish I could hear myself say this every day.  Better yet, I wish I remembered it every time I wrote my name at the top right-hand corner of every xerox or handout I get in class.  Grace.  What does ‘grace’ mean, anyways?

Something too wonderful for me to contain, that’s for sure.

the sound of distance.

Four people sat down for dinner tonight.  I knew how the routine would go even before I closed my eyes for prayer, but I racked my brains for things to share with you nonetheless.  When I opened them again, it was like another wall had grown in the space between your place at the table and mine.  You had nothing to say to me, which was expected of course.  But you don’t even look at me.  I ate in silence.  It was deafening.

I walked into your study the other night, remember?  So I got to record today, a friend of mine returned the favor for all of the help I’ve given him, I said.  For how long? you had asked without looking up.  A few hours, I replied.  The silence started to creep over us so I changed the subject.  You weren’t that interested; you just chewed up your food and continued to stare at the screen.  You have no idea how much I detest how you’ve let that consume you.  You wouldn’t even be able to begin to imagine how much I would give for you to invest in me as much as you invest in your money.  But years and years of listening to you and not telling you how I really felt about it all has made me into a good actress.  I take the remains of your consumed dinner to the kitchen sink on my way out of your space.  Three minutes is better than none.  And this is the sound of distance.

I am reminded of the night I came home about a week before Christmas.  I was bold that evening and said some things to you that I had never said to you before.  Like how you weren’t there for us, how you were breaking promises all over again; how you weren’t loving her the right way and how you weren’t being the role model that he needs so much right now.  How you never cared about anything or anyone other than yourself, and how you were missing out on everything important right now.  The tears came unplanned but I didn’t care because I wanted you to see me for who I was and what I truly felt but you glared at me and commanded me to stop.  I did stop.  Just for you.  I felt like I was ten years older than I really was.

I’m bursting at the seams to tell you everything that’s been going on in my life.  I have so many questions, so many fears and uncertainties that I need to voice.  I don’t understand much about money and how to prepare to start living on my own.  I haven’t ever owned my own car and I definitely don’t know where to start if I ever want to buy one.  Do you know what my favorite color is?  Do you know what makes me laugh?  Am I a burden to you?  Am I a nuisance?  Doubt is probably the deadliest of all relationship-killers.  I hate doubting.  Yet it becomes so hard to avoid when efforts to love are met with absolutely nothing.

Tonight, we passed one another in the hallway going opposite directions without looking at one another.  You carrying your load and I carrying mine.  We each take our own load into our rooms and close the doors.  I thought families were supposed to help carry each other’s loads.  If so, then we’ve failed a thousand times.  Because after all, isn’t that what love is about?

Home has become for me a paradox of definition; a place of contradiction where I collide with those whom I have known my whole life.  Fighting with and believing in love can be so hard sometimes.  I want to give up so badly… but I know deep down that I won’t give up because God supplies me with just enough love to get through to him.  Especially for the times when I miss out on a perfect chance.

I don’t know why I wrote this.  Maybe one day I’ll have the guts to share this with you.  Maybe one day you’ll seize the chance to listen.  And on that day, maybe I’ll seize the chance to be courageous.  Until then, I’ll keep my hopes.

“…But hope that is seen is no hope at all.  Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” — Romans 8:24-25

thanks for giving, God.

101 things that make my heart glow…thank You God, for Your unbeatable thoughtfulness.

1. thick pencil lead 2. green post-its 3. spandex 4. crackling fires 5. outdoor running 6. the laughter of my dear friends 7. cooking with a wok 8. light sabers 9. snuggling 10. serving tea 11. being inspired 12. saying hi to people in public bathrooms 13. red gerbera daisies 14. cheese 15. spontaneous dancing 16. social justice 17. good massages 18. dim sum 19. city lights 20. the english vocabulary 21. how my mom puts her feet up whenever she sits down 22. understanding smiles 23. random compliments 24. figuring out pitches to everything 25. being a rebel 26. sitting on the roof 27. curly-headed roommates 28. anything in D minor 29. oil pastels 30. writing in skinny block letters 31. singing with my eyes closed 32. dreaming with my eyes open 33. unconventional coloring 34. reserving meaningful words 35. french vanilla 36. animals 37. reggaeton 38. pho 39. red dresses 40. Scrabble 41. baseball hats 42. stripes and collars 43. teenagers 44. blustery days 45. Proverbs 46. semicolons 47. walking 48. being intellectual 49. knowing that I’m needed 50. sketching people 51. baking from scratch 52. scheming up novels 53. snail mail 54. being reminded of who I am 55. thunderstorms 56. bravery 57. my brother’s violin playing 58. the American West 59. talented cellists (mama mia!) 60. loyal friends 61. my own name 62. driving 63. acoustic jamming 64. finishing sentences 65. chamomile and honey 66. breaking stereotypes 67. really epic movies 68. ancient history 69. discovering true intentions 70. honesty 71. kashi cereal 72. getting the best of two cultures 73. mountain summits 74. sunlight streaming into the kitchen 75. throwing random 7ths into whatever I play 76. being able to speak music 77. Mandarin 78. Billie, Ella, and Etta 79. seeing people be real 80. taking time out of the day to just be silent 81. pesto and bruschetta 82. true beauty 83. fearlessness 84. living for a reason 85. little black journals 86. musical family time 87. the people who love me just the way I am 88. warm laundry 89. having hope that never fails 90. being an American 91. fuji apples 92. healed scars 93. thoughtfulness 94. wearing guy’s clothes 95. whitewater rafting 96. picking out constellations 97. spreading peanut butter 98. sweet beddy-byes 99. Christmas 100. the ability to fall in love 101. my Redeemer, my only One

of course, there are many more to list… but it’s 1:12AM and after massive consumption of assorted foods, I am finally tired.