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kiss-repellants and four-eyed spectating.

August 26, 2009 gracechou Leave a comment

My fiance calls my glasses “kiss-repellants.”

He’s rather proud of his ingenuity, though I beg to differ.  From my perspective, being cursed with nearsightedness is one of the most irritating things about being mortal.  Being christened “four-eyes” and constantly associated with qualities such as “nerdy” or “brainy” by greater society was never one of my favorite childhood past-times.  I never saw myself as a “glasses” person; I wanted to be able to see the world for its colors and sights on my own.  When I turned 12, I implored my parents to let me wear contacts so that I would no longer suffer in my adolescent angst.  A few weeks later, I sat down with an eyeball expert at a small table and attempted to place a hydrophilic soft lens into my eye.

I poked myself quite a bit before I got the hang of it, of course, but I was determined: no more “four-eyes” for me!!!  I walked into school the next day a new woman, transformed by the glistening pieces of plastic stuck over my corneas… I knew that my life would never be the same again…

Four years later, a violent staphylococcus infection rendered me contact-less for several months.  After my eyes healed, I vowed never to sleep in a box again (I contracted the infection from sleeping outdoors in an old box; don’t ask).  I was rim-less by the time I was to enter my first year of college.  I breathed a deep sigh of relief; how dreadful it would be to have to wear glasses in college!  (Inject heavy sarcasm here)

My college years without glasses sailed smoothly on by.  That is, until last October rolled around.  I woke up one morning and found that the all-too familiar redness in my eye had returned with a vengeance.  Oh no!  I said to myself.  Not again!  Because I had no time (or health insurance) at the time, I couldn’t see my ophthalmologist right away.  I decided to suck it up for a few months.  When I was finally able to schedule an appointment with my ophthalmologist earlier this summer, I was prescribed an antibiotic for a week before able to use my contacts again.  The redness cleared up in a week, and I went on with my life, undeterred by spectacles again.

However, my bliss was soon interrupted by another bout of redness-in-the-eye.  I took another trip to the ophthalmologist, carrying the same complaints as I did during my previous appointment, and walked away with antibiotic in my hand once more.  In the meantime, I discarded all eye make-up, contact cases, and anything that had the potential to provoke another infection.  But the redness continued to return, causing me to finally lose my patience.

I recounted my spectacle tales to my good friend Emily the other day, drastically dramaticizing my dire plight of eternal glass-wearing.  She sympathized and assured me that I wasn’t alone. She felt the same way towards her glasses and agreed with me that they were quite annoying at times.  To cheer me up, she helped me compile a list of pros and cons to wearing glasses:

PROS:
1 – glasses prevent you from falling asleep when you’re reading
2 – they protect your eyes when you are frying bacon (or torching creme brulee)
3 – glasses are convenient, particularly on lazy weekend mornings and sleep-depriving exam week
4 – glasses are cheaper than contacts
5 – glasses make you look super intellectual, moreso than you really are (which is true in my case)
6 – they can be quite a fashion statement
7 – cool people like Bono wear them
8 – some glasses are made of indestructible stuff … like Nalgene bottles

CONS:
1 –  glasses slide off your nose when you go running (a pet peeve Em and I both share)
2 – glasses don’t prevent you from crying when you’re cutting onions, like contacts do
3 – they make you look extra dorky when you have lab goggles on
4 – they really ARE kiss-repellants
5 – if someone trips you and you fall flat on your face, glasses break immediately
6 – if you’re someone whose vision is as bad as mine, you depend on glasses like you depend on having deodorant in Phys.Ed
7 – you have to take them off when you’re getting your picture taken because of the flash
8 – glasses make it quite difficult to wear stunna shades

After we finished brainstorming, I began to realize that my myopic condition wasn’t just physical.  My myopia is spiritual.  I was so frustrated with being unable to wear my contacts that I had forgotten what a blessing it was to be able to see — what a blessing it was to be able to access an ophthalmologist with insurance, to afford contact lenses, to afford a pair of glasses, and to have the hope of finding a solution to my problem.  Amidst my anxiety, I was being showered with God’s goodness.  But because I was blinded by vanity and selfishness, I was unable to receive those blessings.

Maybe the ophthalmologist will tell me that I have a condition that renders me incapable of wearing lenses ever again.  Maybe I’ll go blind within the next 10 years.  Whatever the case, I definitely don’t have it the worst.  So what if I have to wear kiss-repellants for the rest of my life?  There are plenty of ways to get around that problem… :)

totally knit together.

May 14, 2008 gracechou Leave a comment

It’s a typical morning.  I slip back into the room as quietly as I can, which usually involves the door shutting louder than I can help it.  My flip-flops squish and squeak on their own accord as I make it back to the dresser to grab a change of clothes.  Once dressed, I push the On button and get excited as the rich aroma of hazelnut wafts around my nose.  I check the mail while the coffee machine burbles.  At 8AM, my roommate’s alarm starts to jingle.  She hits the snooze button within 10 seconds, rolls onto her side, and continues to sleep.  Another typical morning.

Lately all I’ve been able to think about are the things-I-have-to-do.  Write the paper, conclude that paper, begin researching for the other paper, revise the introduction on this paper.  Learn the voice part for this song, practice these pieces for someone’s jury.  Lead that meeting, delegate these tasks, figure out next week’s plans; study for those exams, freak out about studying for that one exam, then begin studying for it.  And while I’m at it, why not fret about my schedule in the fall and wonder what the heck I’m doing after graduation even though it’s a year away.  Not before long, a well of panic starts to rise up within me – and all I can do is to fight the urge to cry about how much I have yet to do and how much uncertainty I have…

My roommate’s alarm goes off again, the familiar jingle stuck in my head.  She hits snooze again, breathes out and rolls over again.  She goes through this routine about three times on a regular morning.  But if she’s been up an extra hour or two, it will take many more snooze-hits and bed-rolls for her to climb down the top bunk.  Not that I’m keeping track or anything…

And that’s when I notice the Verse Of The Day on top of my homepage.  I know it even before I click on it – Psalm 139:13-14 has already been inscribed on a piece of cardboard on my wall.  I click on it anyways.  For You created me in my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

I’m chuckling now, because it hits me that God is not one bit surprised by my typical morning, my mornings that consist of waking up early to hit the gym, my mornings that involve a daily anticipation of yummy coffee and a track record of how many times Shelly hits the alarm.  If that doesn’t surprise God, then my worrying shouldn’t surprise Him either.  I guess He would know every thought and insecurity that flashes through my mind: where I’ll be headed next May and what I’ll do when I grow up (which is never, of course).  I guess He would know how scared I am of running meetings and being in charge, how inadequate I feel sometimes in regard to my abilities.  Only He would know that even though I hide it, I still care about how other people perceive me, especially other girls.  He knows all of that.

My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.

It shouldn’t be so hard for me to believe that God is in control – He has totally knit me together.  I’m still a working creation, I am fully functional (except when I am delirious).  Junior year is finally drawing to a close.  The older I get, the longer I walk with God, the less control I seem to have; the more room there is for faith to grow.  How bizarre!

My roommate’s awake now.  It’s time for me to go to class.  No surprise there – everything will work out.  I just have to work on remembering that every day.

varietal verbatim.

March 26, 2008 gracechou 1 comment

Life is circular.

How do you know that last night won’t be the last time you see the moon?
Must be faith of some sort.

Sometimes all you want to do is go back to sleep.
Sometimes it takes more of an effort to smile than it does to stare blankly ahead.
How do you know whether that smile could make someone else feel loved?
Maybe if I just dropped the whole thing, she won’t be mad at me anymore.
I’ll just stop talking about it.
What would happen if we faced the truth?
I keep making promises to myself.  I’ll stop drinking.  Smoking.  Binging.  Purging.  Lying.  Gambling.  Spending.
Promises that I can’t ever seem to keep.
What if I admitted that I can’t do it on my own?
Everyone sees the same face every day.  The “everything-is-okay” face.  Life is spectacular.
They don’t see me cry at night.  They don’t see me break down at night.
Is there anyone in this world who knows me as I am?  I want to believe…
Must be faith of some sort.
God is not in Sudan.  God is not in Pakistan.  God is not in North Korea.  God is not in America.
God is not in my home.  There is no hope.
But … what if there was?  And what if He is really there?
Must be faith of some sort.
It’s a scary thing to love… because eventually, you discover that you can be loved in return.
Wait -
I must have missed something -
I don’t have to prove to you that I’m worth it?  But you don’t know the half of it
I’ve made so many mistakes and I’ve let people down,
you don’t understand where I’ve been
what I’ve said
what I’ve done
You know all of this about me already?  And You’re still here for me?
Must be love of some sort.

Faith.  Hope.  Love.  But the greatest of these is love.

Love.

Categories: wednesdays

Thoughts On Mardi Gras

February 6, 2008 gracechou Leave a comment

In lieu of this “holiday” known to us as Mardi Gras, I have decided to revisit a paper of mine that I submitted for my professor last year after watching David Redmon’s documentary called “Mardi Gras: Made In China.” I decided that the critique in and of itself was worthy of its own post. Interesting and disturbing all at once, here it is — “Thoughts On Mardi Gras,” written March 22, 2007…

As an up-and-coming collegian sharpening her identity, I find it difficult to describe myself without pointing out that I am Chinese, American, and a woman. Does this make me a triple blessing or a triple curse? I can chuckle and say that, without a doubt, I have experienced being a triple curse many more times than I have remembered being a blessing at all—but so much wisdom and maturity comes with a growing understanding of one’s roots. Surely, as a young woman with roots ensconced in two contrasting cultures, I see similarities and differences between the East and West in ways that others cannot. So when I heard about the sensational documentary on Chinese bead factory workers and Americans celebrating Mardi Gras that was to be featured at the University of Delaware, I knew it was a film that I needed to attend. The movie, titled “Mardi Gras: Made in China,” launched the University’s 21st annual women’s history month film series on February 20, 2007 in the Kirkbride building. This documentary—according to its golden-yellow flyers—“stirs the conscience and exposes the exploitative aspects of corporate globalization” and exposes the sharp cultural contrast between the East and the West, but accomplishes much more. While this film accentuates the differences between two groups of people, I believe a much weightier truth lies beneath the tape: though separated by economical, cultural, social, and physical barriers, the Chinese and the Americans in this film are not as unlike as we think they are.

With this said, I begin my paper with the sensitivity like that of the Chinese, with the boldness like that of the American, and with the insight of a woman.

David Redmon, the maker of “Mardi Gras: Made in China,” directs our attention towards the American revelers in streets of New Orleans celebrating Mardi Gras and the workers at the Tai Kuen Bead Factory in Fuzhou, the capital of the Fujian Province in China—the largest Mardi Gras bead factory in the world. We learn much about the lives of the Americans who celebrate Mardi Gras and the lives of the Chinese who “make” the bead-bash into a reality between Redmon’s candid camera accounts of the two peoples. According to the Americans interviewed in the film, Mardi Gras in New Orleans is a highly anticipated event that always occurs with much tossing and exchanging of beads in exchange for public displays of nudity. Hundreds and hundreds of people donning iridescent golds and greens and purples in the streets and on top of buses are shown in the video, clamoring for beads and boobs. Occasional video footage shows a woman proudly lifting up her shirt to bare her breasts to the masses; she is rewarded with several strands of beads from satisfied gawkers. “It makes me feel horny,” says a college student in reply to the interviewer when asked why she would subject her breasts to hundreds of strangers in exchange for a beaded necklace. People young and old, men and women of different ethnicities and backgrounds, including a Catholic priest, congregate at this annual bacchanalia on Bourbon Street. Redmon asks them, “where do you think the beads come from?” Many of those inquired did not give a definite answer.

Redmon’s camera takes us thousands of miles away from the feisty French Quarter of New Orleans to the quiet countryside of Fujian and into the private lives of the workers at Roger Wong’s Tai Kuen Bead Factory. Contrary to the uninhibited merrymakers in New Orleans, the workers in Roger’s factory are governed by strict time schedules, rigorous factory and dorm regulations, demanding quotas, and twenty-four hour surveillance. The girls and women who form 90% of Roger’s workforce are all simply uniform in appearance: hair that is kept short and hidden under factory caps, modestly buttoned-up work shirts, and flat shoes. A strong atmosphere of community is seen among the workers: the girls and women work together, do their laundry together, and after every meal, they wash their dishes together in communal washrooms. At the end of the day, workers will retire ten at a time to a five-bed room that is approximately 16’ by 24’ in dimensions. And Roger does not allow exceptions when it comes to punishment—anyone caught talking on the job will get a 5% deduction from their salary, and anyone caught in the living quarters of an opposite-sex worker will be denied payment for a month. With the help of his translator, Redmon asks the girls, “do you know where the beads go after you make them?” Interestingly enough, their replies match that of the Americans: “I don’t know.”

“Mardi Gras: Made in China” is a documentary so well done that one could write in-depth articles about the economies involved in the exploitation of young Chinese women, the sociology behind risqué behavior “reserved for Mardi Gras only,” the cultural clash of Eastern and Western attitudes, societal standards of American women observed particularly during Mardi Gras, societal standards of Chinese women observed particularly in a male-headed factory, working conditions in the factory and the health risks that workers face daily, methods used by Chinese bosses and managers on Chinese workers to make them work harder and faster—the directions one could take with this unique film are quite endless. The first area of concern that Redmon successfully addresses in his film is globalization. In the film, we see that while many businesses prosper thanks to the countless number of workers they have across the world to produce their wealth, the workers themselves, such as the Chinese bead workers, are being exploited. Through his film, Redmon shows how the labor of Chinese bead workers is sold to American companies for profit, who then sell the beads to krewe members for the “greatest free show on Earth (Essay One).” Workers at the Tai Kuen Bead Factory labor for 10-18 hours a day for a minimum wage of $0.10 an hour, which adds up to about $62 a month (Essay Three). While the actual Mardi Gras fête takes place for one day out of the entire year, the bead workers are at work year-round except for the two weeks during which they are allowed to be back home for the Chinese New Year. The “greatest free show on Earth” is not so free after all. Besides uncovering the harsh realities of global capitalism, Redmon’s film also captures the culturally-clashing attitudes of the Chinese and Americans.

Those whom Redmon interviewed provide us with a wealth of cultural disparities and a peek into the “norm” of people from both East and West. Most of the girls present in Roger’s factory are there because their families need the money that they make. The family is stressed above self for the Chinese; to leave the home to work in order to be able to send money back home is a request that most daughters from rural families will fulfill, since it is culturally more important for sons to attain an education. The loss of a daughter’s education is not as significant as it is for a son not to have the chance to excel academically. In an interview with Lio Lina, an 18-year old factory worker, Redmon’s translator asks her why she is working. Lio’s response is an archetypal answer that any “good Chinese daughter” would give:

Those of us who are not well educated and don’t have a good family background, we have no choice but to work hard and support ourselves. When I was studying in school, I dreamed of becoming an outstanding actress, but this dream will never be realized. Now I think about how to help my parents and support my younger brother. I still have hope in my brother. I put all my hope in my brother. I believe he can achieve his dreams! Unfairness is irrelevant. I am willing to sacrifice for my brother.”

While the Chinese would nod and approve of this “good daughter’s” response, we Americans would cry out to Lio and urge her to pursue her dreams of acting. “Do what you want to do for once in your life!” would be our rallying cry. And it is here where we see the biggest difference between the Chinese and the Americans: collectivism vs. individualism. Chinese people suppress their thoughts and words in order to preserve a sense of honor and respect for their families and those around them; we are not too expressive because our culture tells us never to challenge or question authority because someone else might be shamed or dishonored in the process. Meanwhile, Americans tend to speak and act what we feel; we are naturally plainspoken because our culture emphasizes that our thoughts and opinions deserve to be heard, sometimes regardless of who we might offend in the process. When Redmon and his camera crew inquired a young Chinese worker at her work station about the length of her work day, she smiled nervously and avoided answering the question in fear of disrespecting or humiliating her boss. “I don’t want to say it,” she said to the camera, “the boss might find out! I would really rather not say.” Though the Chinese values of communal honor and respect can be constructive, this worker’s response indicates that collectivistic thinking can cause us to make decisions based on fear. In the same way, the individualistic cultural values of the Americans can also be positive, but a response from James, a twenty-five year old Texan reveling in the streets on Mardi Gras, shows that individualistic thinking can cause us to make decisions based on rebellion. He says, “I’m tired of my job. I told my boss to fuck off, that I’m taking a day off of work and going to Mardi Gras because I haven’t missed a day of work in the last four years … I can’t stand my job anymore! My boss is really an idiot, and the people I work with don’t know how to do their job. So guess who gets to correct their mistakes? I do. On top of that, I have to do the same work over and over again daily (Essay Two).”

David Redmon’s “Mardi Gras: Made in China” is indeed a masterful and heavily insightful film that every young person should see, if not for an expansion of one’s worldview, then for some serious critical thinking. He expertly draws our attention to the injustice of global capitalism, and he artistically captures slivers of the two cultural attitudes on film. He successfully demonstrates that the American consumers are as oblivious to their Chinese laborers as the Chinese laborers are oblivious to their American consumers. He manages to cover economical, cultural, and social aspects throughout his film, and he delivers them with a punch that we, as an audience, will never forget. But if our eyes strained to see beyond the economical, cultural, and social barriers that stand between the workers in China and the carnival-goers in America, we would see that our problems are not so different after all. What connects these two different people groups is the simple observation that both peoples, regardless of race or class or gender, desire the same thing: freedom. Not economical freedom, nor cultural freedom, nor social freedom—but a kind of freedom every human longs for, one that provides them with purpose and meaning. It is the freedom of the soul. And in the process of their search for freedom, both peoples are very much deceived.

Many of the young Chinese women leave their rural families and venture into the factories of the cities and the towns because they are expected to contribute to the family by earning an income. To some of them, this is an expression of freedom, of autonomy, because they are “on their own.” They believe that their worth and value as a daughter increases if they leave the home to work. They believe that earning an income is gratifying because it mobilizes them to consume goods and to send money home to their families (Essay Three). Approximately 90% of their earnings go to their families, leaving only 10% of their hard work to themselves. Their economic “independence” is an illusion. They are penalized and fined, as were employees Chen Nan, Li Qun, Peng Xingxing, Wang Jing and Ge Yun when they wore high heels to work (Essay Three). And if they want to leave the factory, they must write a letter stating the reasons for their leave which will have to get an ‘okay’ from their supervisor and area manager before the factory supervisor can approve or deny their request. Cultural and social “independence” are also illusions. Just as their fathers and brothers have authority and headship over them in their homes, their male supervisors and bosses have authority and headship over them at their jobs. The young Chinese women are deceived. This statement also applies for young country women who do not necessarily work at Roger’s bead factory. In a letter addressed to sixteen year-old bead worker Rein May, a woman employed at a clothing factory says: “I really don’t want to make anymore clothes here, I just want to come home to you guys, and live our old lives we once had; with no worries. I have many worries now. It feels like jail, you are constantly being watched, whether eating, talking, working, you are under the supervision all the time […] when you are back home, please give me a call. Wish you happy everyday and with no worries. Wish you lead a life better than mine everyday!” Several of the girls in Redmon’s film left the bead factory shortly after he put together this film. Eighteen year-old Ga Hong Mei was among some of the women who left the bead industry to work in a clothing and textile factory. Surely she, not unlike Rein May’s correspondent, will find the freedom she is looking for at her new job.

Though it may seem to you that what the Chinese women workers experience in their daily factory lives is much worse than what the American Mardi Gras carousers experience during the carnival, I believe that Americans are also deceived when they consider themselves free. We can argue that Americans have much more economical, cultural, and social liberty than the Chinese—but as I have previously mentioned, by looking beyond these obvious differences, we observe that everyone is trying to break free. Many of those who flock to New Orleans for Mardi Gras are looking for an escape from the marriage burdens, stress at work, parental authority, and social standards. Men such as Ken and David (both engaged in oral sex with other men exclusively), whose wives are oblivious to the fact that they came to New Orleans for Mardi Gras, say that the “wild freedom” is the only purpose why they participate.

Fifty year-old Shelly from Oklahoma City flashed her breasts and genitals from a balcony to a crowd on Canal Street; when asked why she flashed, Shelly responded: “The freedom. The freedom to just do it, and no one cares. No one cares! I can be whoever I want to be and no one cares. That’s what I like about it. It’s really quite freeing. It’s a way to escape (Essay One).” Eerily enough, Deborah (single-mother of three) echoes a lament about her job that is not so different from the complaints of the Chinese workers:

“In fact, everything lately seems to be the same. Each day I get up and go to work or volunteer or school or whatever as a part of my daily routine. I am never truly myself in those situations because in order to keep that job, class or position, certain things are expected of me […] you go through the same drill, its like ‘de ja vu’ where you know what’s going to happen hours ahead. Day in and day out […] It doesn’t change. Mardi Gras puts a wrench in that dull stuff! […] So hey, at least at Mardi Gras, you’re able to be a lot more free (Essay One)!”

John, a forty year-old dentist from St. Louis, reiterates Deborah’s frustrations:

“Every day I have to act for the people who come into my office. I have to put on that fake smile, act like I enjoy their company, adjust my behavior so they’ll be comfortable. Everyday is the same routine […] No matter where I go, I’m acting and trying to convince others that I am someone who I’m not! Ideas about finding your ‘true’ self is bullshit. There is no ‘true’ self. I have to escape from that false life to just feel connected to myself. For me, Mardi Gras helps me do this (Essay One).”

Just as the women workers in China disclose their dissatisfaction and their feelings of being chained, we see that the Americans express their frustrations over a lack of freedom as well. It is not a freedom that can be labeled as economical, cultural, or social—it is a permanent freedom that they are constantly searching for and will not find by any economic, cultural, or social means. The Chinese workers will continue to labor day after day, doing the same mundane and repetitive hand work for a trivial amount of money. They may think that they are a little more free by moving out of the home and being able to earn a stipend. They may think that they are a little more liberated because they have a trade, or that they can consume goods. They may try to find more freedom by leaving their current factory job and getting another job elsewhere. But they will be disappointed when they realize that the freedom that they are looking for is not something procured by moving away from home, by getting a job, by landing a new job and a new boss, or by being able to consume and spend more. The Americans will continue to seek outlets—Mardi Gras as the main one for our purposes—to have a chance to be sexually uninhibited, remaining unidentified, because life back at home is not what they want it to be. They may think that they are a little more free by leaving the workplace and set of responsibilities they have at home and indulging in the boobs-for-beads experience. They may think that they are a little more liberated by letting their ‘true’ selves show during the Mardi Gras season. But they will be disappointed when they realize that the freedom that they are looking for is not something acquired by being socially uninhibited, by taking risks, or by taking a break from home and work responsibilities. We are not so unalike after all.

Redmon’s “Mardi Gras: Made in China” is indeed a film through which many observations and hard facts can be exposed. I definitely think that the film “stirs the conscience and exposes the exploitative aspects of corporate globalization” as much as it reveals numerous cultural divisions between peoples of the East and the West. But from the eyes of one young woman who is neither just Chinese nor American, this film speaks one solid piece of truth: humans are more similar to each other than they are different, regardless of economics, culture, social standards, and physical differences. At the beginning of this essay, I joked lightheartedly about being a triple curse thanks to my multi-faceted identity. But the more I grow in wisdom and understanding of my Chinese and American worlds, I grow in gratitude towards my heritage and upbringing. With this said, I conclude my thoughts on “Mardi Gras: Made in China.” Hopefully, having read this essay, you can positively say that I have done my best in sharing my voice as a triple blessing to you.

check out more on David Redmon and his documentary here

shadows and sunshine.

November 21, 2007 gracechou Leave a comment

He’s sitting out on the deck. Today he’s wearing a black parka, despite the 60-degree weather and sun. The chair across from him is occupied by his only backpack. I’ve seen it loads of times–I duck behind the nearest person or tree at the mere sight of it. The usual pack of cigarettes and cup of coffee. Or second. Or third. He’s talking to himself; from an entirely different world, he drifts in and out of the system we commonly refer to as “normal.” Gesturing wildly to himself–or to an invisible person–his mouth is moving rapidly, as if discussing the latest woes of the American government. He was talking to himself when I first met him nearly two years ago, determined to tell him about Jesus, because he obviously needed to hear it; because he obviously had many shadows in his life that needed to be fixed.

His name is Louie.

I wonder what he likes to eat; I wonder who it is that inspires him to be the best he can be. I wonder where his boots have been, where he grew up, and when he had his last haircut. I wonder where home is, where he will be going this year for Thanksgiving, if he has a place to go at all. I wonder if he has health insurance (thank you, Sicko). I wonder if he has ever loved a woman. I wonder what gives him joy.

As I sit in my perch here at Brew Haha and observe my world, it hits me like an oncoming gasoline truck just how much I take for granted each and every day. There is nothing that I have in life that has not been given to me. Every dream, every skill, every memory, every friend; every miracle, every interest, every blessing, every conversation… every smile, every laugh, every lesson-learned-the-hard-way; every cup of coffee, every shooting star, every performance, every I love you; every piece of chocolate cake, every gift and every shoulder I’ve cried on. I am blessed. I have been fed and clothed all my life; I have tasted fullness and abundance in friendships. I have been loved and I have loved in return, I have received and I have been enabled to give back. I have learned perseverance through trial, blessings through curses, courage through fear, hope through despondency, joy through desperate loneliness, and grace through my failures. I am blessed.

You and I, we remember the bad days. Days when the skies are clouded with weariness and blah-dom, days when no-matter-how-hard-we-try still nothing goes right. The last few days have been like that… and there will surely be dreary days in the near future. But I look outside once more. The rays of sun shatter my internal world of thought and suddenly I’m lost in gratitude. Louie looks up at the sky too. I want to run outside and look up at the sky with Louie. But most of all, I want to tell him that the shadow only proves the sunshine; that there is hope everlasting and 10 zillion things that he and I can be thankful for this season. He glances back down and grins. Hmm, I wonder. Maybe he already knows.

My mind is swimming. But I put my thoughts away as company arrives… how nice of you to drop by and say hi. And I smile to myself as I silently say a thank-you to God for the wonderful friends He’s put in my life this year. Sunshine indeed.